The Dos and Don’ts of Using Dildo Substitutes

Last year, something horrifying and unimaginable happened to me. I went to a remote resort for a family vacation (that’s not the horrifying part; keep reading). It was quite far from civilization but still fancy and accommodating (think glamping).

It was an opportunity for my extended family and me to bond, spend time together, and have some fun while still being able to enjoy some alone time. So there I was one evening, getting ready to enjoy some alone time of the adult variety (yes, masturbate) when I noticed that I forgot to pack my sex toys.

The horror!

Yup, my trusty pouch of sextravagance (as I like to call it) stayed, presumably, on my bed while I was frantically packing at the last minute. I’m sure there’s a lesson there somewhere on being a responsible adult and doing errands on time, but that’s not my point.

My point was that I was horny, in the middle of nowhere, and sex toy-less.

So as any reasonable adult would do, I decided to simply wing it and make my own makeshift dildo. Given that I’m taking some time today to go over sex toy safety tips and general dildo substitute safety 101, you can already tell that a few of my first attempts were less than satisfactory.

There are a few rules when using dildo substitutes that you should never (ever) forget. Otherwise, you might find yourself googling the directions to the nearest ER.

Make Sure It’s Clean

This goes without saying, but if you’re turning anything into a dildo for the night, make sure it’s properly cleaned. Of course, if you use a dildo to masturbate, a real one, or a DIY one, you should clean it before and after each use.

Make Sure It’s Safe

There’s a good reason sex toys have a flared base (especially anal toys). Without it, the toy can easily get sucked in and lost. Believe me, a night of frantically waiting for your body to spit out a veggie that was so far up inside of you it basically reached a new galaxy is an experience you can live without.

Now, not many household items have a flared base (except baseball bats, but are you really that confident?). So you’ll have to be extra careful not to lose your makeshift toy.

Also, using objects that can break and get stuck easily (overripe fruits and veggies, glass bottles, hot dogs, etc.) isn’t something I recommend. For example, if you’re using a hairbrush handle to pleasure yourself, you might think it’s safe because the bristle part of the brush is wider and therefore, can act as a base.

However, that won’t help you that much if the handle breaks off, will it? The same goes for electric toothbrushes that are detachable. So test the sturdiness of the toy before you actually shove it anywhere.

No Glove, No Love

Generally speaking, unless you’re in a long-term, committed relationship, no glove, no love is a good rule of thumb. That is especially true when you’re using an alternative to a dildo.

A cucumber has a general size and shape a dildo does, but it doesn’t have its texture. It’s not smooth, and it won’t feel good going in unless you put a condom over it (and use lots of lube).

What’s more, the general feeling is less important than keeping yourself healthy. Fruits, veggies, and household items usually have residue on them, no matter how well you clean them. Their edges can leave small lacerations on your sensitive skin, which leaves you open to bacterial infections.

So pack that stuff well before you slide it in.

Only Use Your Own Stuff

I know that sharing is caring and all that jazz, but seriously, don’t try to make makeshift dildos out of things that aren’t yours. First of all, that’s a huge social faux pas. Second of all, you don’t really know where those things have been. That’s questionable at best and dangerous at worst.

Sure, your boyfriend’s razor looks just right, but it’s not really nice to take other people’s stuff and use them in an intimate way. What’s more, make sure that the stuff you do end up using (hopefully yours) doesn’t end up somewhere where other people can get to it.

I’m talking mostly about edible items here. You don’t want last night’s dildo to end up in someone’s salad, now, do you?

Finally, Don’t Forget to Clean Up After

Hygiene is the most important point when using sex toys (be they mass-produced or homemade). Aside from cleaning everything (thoroughly) beforehand, you should also make sure the items you have used are properly cleaned after you’re done playing with them.

Some warm water and soap go a long way, trust me.

A Few Parting Tips

Using real, body-safe sex toys is always preferable. But sometimes, we aren’t able to do so, and we have to make our own. Perhaps you’re anxiously waiting for your sex toy to arrive in the mail? Or you’re stuck like I was with no sex toy stores in sight? Whatever it is — I understand. Sometimes, we gotta do what we gotta do.

Well, when we do, we shouldn’t forget to:

• remove (or stay altogether away from) sharp parts of items we’re fashioning into a dildo
• pick items that have something that at least resembles a flared base
• avoid things that could break
• avoid things that easily change shape and lose structure (I’m looking at you, popsicle lovers!)