The Hows and Whys of Things You Shouldn’t Masturbate With


You Really Shouldn’t Use These Dildo Substitutes

We’ve all been so horny at least once in our lives that we looked at a cucumber and thought, “That should work, right?” But not many of us have tried it. And that’s a good thing! 

Even our horny lizard brains sense the “Danger, Will Robinson” vibe that goes with shoving a foreign object into ourselves (at least one that wasn’t explicitly made with that purpose in mind).

And yet, if you ask any medical professional who’s had a few ER rotations, they’ll gladly tell you about foreign objects they’ve pulled from people’s orifices. The extraction is usually followed by an embarrassed “I wasn’t trying to push it in! I just fell onto that corn, doctor, I swear!

So, to avoid a lengthy and annoying emergency room visit, perhaps it’s better to stay away from DIY sex toys altogether.

Dildos and Vibrators Are Your Friends…

Dildos didn’t just grace us with their presence one faithful, shiny day. They evolved precisely because of people’s tendency to shove things in their holes. Indeed, people used all types of household items to pleasure themselves. Over time, this practice gave birth to safe dildos we know and enjoy today.

Using sex toys to spice up your sex life or make your alone time more exciting and pleasurable is perfectly normal. There’s nothing wrong with having a couple (or more) sex toys. Whatever floats your boat is fine, as long as you keep it safe.

Sex toys usually have a flared base, which diminishes the risk of you ending up with something stuck up your rear end. What’s more, they are body-safe and don’t carry as high a risk of bacterial infections as makeshift dildos you whip up in your pantry would.

…But Objects With Sharp Edges Aren’t

Household items are not good dildo substitutes. We cannot stress this enough, but you should only use dildos to masturbate (and vibrators, bullets, and any other safe, mass-produced sex toys). 

Sure, we all look at vaguely phallic things and think about using them for something else than their intended purpose. Those thoughts usually plague us when we have a lot of free time on our hands. For example, while you’re in the shower, all hot, wet, and slippery, you might think that the humble razor could do so much more for you than simply get rid of excess hair.

Razors Are a No-No

But it can’t. Razors aren’t smooth. They are made from hard plastic and have sharp edges that will hurt you. 

And even if you don’t end up with a major injury, you’ll leave microscopic lacerations on the most sensitive of places. Those injuries increase your risk of picking up a nasty infection later on.

So Are Knives!

So, just step away from the razor. In fact, when it comes to household objects as dildos, nothing really works. 

Don’t roll up your newspapers or magazines to see if their shape and size would satisfy you because paper is porous (even the fancy, glossy kind!). Also, it’s dirty! And don’t even get us started on the horrors of paper cuts down there.

Other sharp objects, such as knives, are also bad dildo substitutes. Perhaps the knife handle has the perfect dildo-like shape, but please don’t forget there’s a sharp blade on the other end. The logistics of that masturbatory session are as terrifying as they are dangerous.

Don’t Play With Your Food

Even in adulthood, we mustn’t forget the fundamental childhood lessons. Remember how your momma taught you not to play with your food? Well, she probably didn’t mean it this way, but it’s sound advice for masturbation as well.

Food Items Make Awful Dildos…

We admit that specific food items have a distinctly phallic shape (think cucumbers, zucchinis, and bananas). But, while they certainly look the part, they lack the crucial sturdiness that sex toys (and real dicks, of course) have. 

And although some foods might look appealing to you, just remember how easy they are to break apart (or squish). What’s more, fruits and veggies are usually treated with chemicals. And, because they are porous, they absorb those chemicals. That essentially means that no matter how much you clean them, they’ll always have at least a trace amount of nasty chemicals on them.

Now, you might say that doesn’t matter, as veggies pose the same risk to you if you eat them, right? Not really.

Because they aren’t smooth, fruits and veggies can create small lacerations on the sensitive skin of your genitalia. Those create the perfect entryway for the chemicals we already mentioned. Before you know it, you’re fighting a yeast or bacterial infection that’s wreaking havoc on your entire system.

…And Even Worse Masturbatory Sleeves!

Other foods are also a no-go. A jar of peanut butter doesn’t make a good masturbation sleeve substitute. And, don’t get any ideas about pies from watching that movie (you know which one!). 

Other Objects

Since humans are wonderfully curious creatures, there are whole lists full of things they’ve tried (and failed) to masturbate with. Our curiosity brought forth some amazing inventions, but it isn’t always our best trait.

There are quite a few objects that were the main cause of many ER visits. So, here’s a general tip — don’t try masturbating with:

  • Flashlights — they are either too big or too small and are always extremely dirty.
  • Bottles — glass bottles are a huge safety hazard, and plastic ones aren’t sturdy enough.
  • Electric toothbrushes — the pointy end can hurt you, even if you put a condom over it.
  • Phones — we get that the vibrations are alluring and have spiked your interest more than a few times. However, phones nowadays are girthy and can easily get sucked in. Not to mention, they are nasty and full of bacteria!
  • Brushes — wooden or plastic, brushes and kitchen spoons (and other utensils) make horrible dildos because they can splinter.
  • Toothpaste (as a dildo or as a lube) — a toothpaste tube is too flexible to work as a dildo, and it has sharp edges. As for using toothpaste as a lube, think about the minty sensation that borders on burning for a minute and guess again if you want that feeling on your genitalia or not.

But What If I Really, Really Want It?

Well, if you really must use makeshift dildos, then what can we say except go for it. However, don’t go too wild. When using household items as dildos, you have to be extra careful. You can’t just pick up an item willy-nilly and shove it in.

Masturbating with household items actually takes more prep and involves more cleanup than using regular sex toys does. In fact, it can be quite messy, and it’s an overall lengthy process. That’s precisely why we advise you simply invest in a dildo or vibrator. There are really cheap sex toys out there, so why increase your chances of infection to avoid a small investment?

But, again, if you must, then make sure you choose the items carefully. Anything that can break off or splinter isn’t something you’ll want to reach for. So, go for something sturdy.

Ideally, you’ll properly clean the object you chose to have fun with and put a condom over it. Condoms won’t keep you completely safe from potential injuries, but they’ll at least help. Don’t rely on the condoms lubrication, though, especially if you’re doing anal. Apply lots of lube to ease the object in (twice as much if it is of uneven shape). 

If you don’t have any lube, coconut oil, or even some baby oil will help. But, really, some cheap water-based lube is a much better option. 

In the end, if we can’t sway you away from attempting to play with things you shouldn’t masturbate with, then all we can do is wish you the best of luck!